Odliczanie

The countdown begins.

I have mixed feelings – most of them are infused with a bit of panic though. I’m not aware of things that are ahead, and that’s the most scary thought – I can’t even imagine what I will have to deal with. I’m not able to prepare because my future months are huge foggy misteries. And there’s this suffocating reflection, that I’m packing my head in too difficult puzzle and I’m too stupid, naive and childish, and sensitive, and shy, and useless for this sort of stuff.

Stop.

I can wish and hope for the best. I can try to approach the unknown with positive attitude, for once in my life. Not predicting catastrophes, not overthinking and panicking and not having sleepless nights. I can try to accept what comes as it does, as it is.

 

Gonna be fine. 

 

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Reklamy

And wish for things that I know I’ll never hold. – Like a simple life, and a simple love, and a simple home.

Activity agreement signed, insurance enrollment done, questions asked.

Now time is about to fly smoothly until the first of august, when I am going to buy tickets.

I’m definitely making my life harder.

Even the smallest change, apart from being a challenge and a chance – is also a loss. I will loose the person I am right now – which maybe isn’t the best version of me – but still I try my hardest to appreciate what I was given and what I’ve been working to gain. And despite the fact there had been so many turning points in my life before, it’s never been so momentous, weighty, it’s never been so desired and needed. I have this odd feeling of confidence mixed with disbelief when I picture myself abroad, alone, for so long. Still can’t get over this.

What will be, will be.

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The sky is not the limit and you’ll never gonna know what is.

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Now I can say it officially… I’m going to Estonia in October!

The EVS project HORIZON has been approved and now it’s the time for me to prepare. I have some more time to think things through – mental preparation seems to me the most important part of getting ready to leave as I have no idea what I can expect (apart from cultural shock). To get more solid information, I’m waiting for pre-departure training in Kraków on 20th of July. Hopefully it will provide me with more real picture of EVS itself, for reading info kit thousands of times doesn’t get me any nearer, the picture is still blurred and foggy. Maybe it’s also the matter of time – the activity is planned to start in October and loads of things can happen until then (bear in mind my uncontested luck to accidentally get injured just before my big life moments).

This is a real challenge for me – introverted, anxious and quiet girl – to be in the middle of estonian reality, all alone by myself. I’d say, that’s perfect conditions to get myself into another mental breakdown lol. Let’s not overthink this, then.

Also, by deciding to go for it and join EVS project, I’m leaving stability – very good job (4 jobs, actually) in my profession field. I’m jumping into the depths of uncertainty instead of progressing my professional position which I have sketched over the past year. And doing so, I am constantly asking myself: what the hell is this? What’s pushing me? And what lets me think this is a good idea to volunteer abroad while I have well-paid, stable jobs guaranteed here in Poland?

I do not know the answers and I’ll let myself wonder why for another couple months – until some „real life” preparation will take place. Actually, come on, getting in control of my anxious stream of conscioussness about the whole thing IS real life preparation…

And this blog is going to be the record of my hopes, expectations and struggles throughout my EVS experience.